By Rachelle Anesu Chaminuka
December is fast approaching. For some, this means planning holidays, shopping for Christmas outfits, preparing for family reunions and calculating how much of their salaries will survive the festive season. For some unmarried women, however, December comes with an additional responsibility: preparing for the annual interrogation about their relationship status.
Apparently, Christmas is not complete until someone has established why you are still single.
You may arrive at a family gathering looking perfectly happy, carrying groceries, bringing gifts and ready to enjoy a well-deserved break. But before you have even settled into your chair, someone will have asked the inevitable question: “So, when are we attending your wedding?”
If that question does not come, there is always a variation. “Are you seeing anyone?” “What are you waiting for?” “You are getting older.” And, perhaps the most generous piece of unsolicited advice of all: “You need to lower your standards.”
One would think that being unmarried is a national emergency requiring an immediate family intervention.
What is particularly interesting is how differently society treats unmarried men and women. A man in his thirties who is unmarried is often described as focused, ambitious, financially responsible or simply enjoying life. He is given time to build his career, establish himself and figure things out.
An unmarried woman of the same age, on the other hand, can become a subject of concern. Suddenly, relatives are holding informal strategy meetings about her future. Aunties are investigating potential husbands. Church members are making introductions. Someone remembers a nephew who is apparently a good man, although nobody can quite explain what makes him a good man beyond the fact that he is also single.
Before long, the woman is no longer simply attending a family gathering. She is attending a matrimonial recruitment exercise for which she never submitted an application.
The irony is that many of these women are doing perfectly well. They are working, studying, building businesses, supporting families, paying bills and pursuing ambitions. Some have acquired qualifications, travelled, established careers and achieved things that deserve recognition. Yet, somehow, these accomplishments can become secondary when the conversation turns to marriage.
It is as though all the certificates, professional achievements and personal milestones are merely supporting documents in a life that remains incomplete until a wedding invitation is printed.
Of course, marriage is beautiful. For those who desire it, finding a loving and compatible partner can be one of life’s most fulfilling experiences. There is absolutely nothing wrong with celebrating marriage, encouraging healthy relationships or hoping that someone you love finds happiness.
The problem begins when that hope becomes pressure, and when a woman’s worth is quietly measured against her marital status.
There is also something rather troubling about the casual advice given to unmarried women. “Lower your standards” is frequently presented as though marriage were a clearance sale and the objective were simply to secure a husband before the offer expires.
But what exactly should a woman lower? Her expectations of kindness? Her desire for emotional maturity? Her need for respect, responsibility and companionship? Should she overlook incompatibility simply because the calendar is moving?
It is worth asking why the urgency is always directed at the woman rather than at the quality of the relationship she is expected to enter. Getting married is not the same as getting married well. A wedding ceremony is a celebration, not a certificate guaranteeing a healthy marriage.
Perhaps we should also reconsider the assumption that a single woman must be lonely, unhappy, difficult or excessively selective. Some women are single by choice. Others are waiting for the right relationship. Some have experienced heartbreak and are taking their time. Others simply have not met someone with whom they wish to build a life. There are many stories behind a person’s relationship status, and not all of them are public property.
A woman’s decision not to discuss her romantic life should not be mistaken for an invitation to investigate it.
There is a difference between asking someone about their happiness and making them feel that their life is somehow behind schedule. There is a difference between expressing concern and applying pressure. And there is certainly a difference between wishing someone well and repeatedly reminding them that they are getting older.
Perhaps the next time we meet an unmarried woman at a family gathering, we could ask about her work, her travels, her plans, her interests or simply how she is doing. We could allow her to enjoy the food without turning the dinner table into a matrimonial tribunal.
And to the relatives who have already identified three potential husbands, perhaps a little restraint would be appreciated. Not every family gathering requires a matchmaking agenda.
As December approaches, let us remember that people arrive at different stages of life. Some will be celebrating engagements, others weddings, others new jobs, new businesses, academic achievements or personal milestones that may never make it onto social media. None of these paths should be treated as the universal timetable for adulthood.
A woman can desire marriage without being desperate for it. She can be single without being stranded. She can be accomplished without being married and happy without having to explain why.
So, this festive season, perhaps we can retire the question, “When are you getting married?” At least long enough to ask whether she would like another helping of sadza.
After all, she came for the food, the family reunion and perhaps a little rest, not a performance review of her romantic life.
A woman’s life is not a waiting room for marriage. And her singleness is certainly not a social emergency.