By Shingirirai Mawarire
HARARE — In a world obsessed with top marks, trophies and first place, a quiet question is troubling many parents: Are we raising children who can succeed, or children who can survive failure?
A growing body of research says the answer lies not in shielding children from disappointment, but in teaching them how to bounce back from it. That quality, resilience, may be the most important gift parents can give in an age of intense academic pressure and social comparison.
Resilience is not about never feeling sad, anxious or disappointed. It is about learning, with the right support, how to manage difficult experiences and keep going. As researcher Ann Masten famously put it, resilience is not rare magic possessed by a few extraordinary children. It is ordinary magic, built through everyday relationships, routines and opportunities to practise coping.
That idea is now being echoed by psychologists, teachers and parents who warn that a childhood defined only by achievement is a fragile one.
Consider a child who studies hard, yet still fails an examination. For that child, the result can feel like a verdict on their worth. Experts say the moment matters more than the mark. Parents who acknowledge the disappointment, help the child understand what went wrong, and work together on a realistic plan, send a powerful message: failure provides information, it does not define the future. By contrast, shame, constant comparison or dismissing a child’s feelings can make setbacks harder to overcome.
Parents can help by praising effort, persistence and thoughtful strategies, not only marks or winning. They can set reasonable expectations, allow children age-appropriate responsibility, and model how to recover from their own mistakes. Children also need to know that asking for help is not weakness. A trusted teacher, school counsellor or other adult can make the difference between a child who withdraws and a child who learns to cope. Resilience, experts stress, does not mean expecting children to handle serious difficulties alone.
A longitudinal study involving 839 students in Grades 5 to 10 found that adolescents who felt more supported by their parents were more likely to use constructive coping strategies, such as planning and seeking comfort. Those who experienced more negative interactions with parents were more likely to disengage and give up. The findings underline a simple but powerful truth: how adults respond to pressure shapes how children respond to it. Calm listening, encouragement and problem-solving build confidence. Shame and relentless pressure do the opposite.
In a competitive world, children will not always win. They will not always top the class, make the team, or meet every expectation placed on them. Their worth, however, is greater than a report card, trophy or single performance. Building resilience does not mean removing every obstacle from a child’s path. It means standing beside them as they learn to face difficulties, seek support, make adjustments and try again.
Our responsibility is not to create a life without challenges, but to equip children with the relationships and skills that help them navigate challenges, the study notes.
Academic achievement matters. But so do emotional safety, confidence, connection and the ability to recover from setbacks. When children feel supported rather than defined by their failures, they are better placed to keep learning and to grow into adults who can meet life with courage and flexibility.
For parents navigating the pressure of modern schooling, the message is reassuring: you do not need to raise a perfect child. You need to raise a child who knows they are loved, who can try, fail, learn and try again. That is resilience. And in a competitive world, it may matter more than any prize.