Love is beautiful, but attraction is not a substitute for due diligence.
By Rachelle Anesu Chaminuka
There was a time when a man saying, “I like you,” was enough to make a woman smile for the rest of the day. Today, depending on who you are talking to, that statement may require supporting documents. What do you do for a living? What do you earn in US dollars? Do you have a car? Where do you stay? Do you pay rent? What are your financial goals? Are you established, or are you still finding yourself? Somewhere between exchanging phone numbers and falling in love, romance has acquired the atmosphere of a job interview at a bank. And as a woman, let me say this: there is absolutely nothing wrong with having standards. The problem begins when we pretend that standards do not exist, date below them anyway, and then spend the relationship complaining about the very things we knew we could not tolerate.
Ladies, we need to talk.
As a lawyer, I have learnt that when information is insufficient, one may request further particulars. You do not simply accept an unclear statement and hope the missing details will magically reveal themselves later.
The same principle should apply to dating.
A man says he is building his future. Wonderful. Further particulars, please. What exactly are you building? What is the plan? What steps are you taking? And, most importantly, are we talking about an actual future or a motivational speech delivered confidently over WhatsApp? A man says he is ambitious. Further particulars, please. He says he wants to settle down. Further particulars, please. He says he is going through a difficult financial season. That may be understandable, but further particulars may still be necessary.
There is a difference between a man who is temporarily struggling but has a plan, discipline and a genuine desire to improve his circumstances, and one who has made struggling his permanent personality. The first may be worth building with. The second may leave you building alone while he supervises. And please, ladies, do not be afraid to ask questions because you do not want to appear materialistic. You are allowed to find out whether the person you are dating shares your values, understands responsibility and has a realistic vision for his life. You are not conducting a criminal investigation. You are deciding whether someone is suitable for a place in your future. If he says he is working on something big, ask what it is. If he says he will soon be financially stable, ask what “soon” means. We have heard enough promises to know that “soon” can be a very elastic word.
Do not let a handsome face, a deep voice and a convincing explanation make you abandon your right to ask reasonable questions.
Now, this is where some of us may need to put our feelings aside and examine the evidence.Some women have a clear picture of the kind of life they want. They want financial stability, emotional maturity, generosity, ambition and a partner who can meet them at their level or complement what they bring to the relationship.Yet, for reasons best known to them, they repeatedly choose men who fall short of those expectations.
Then the complaints begin.
“He never takes me anywhere.”
“He always asks me for money.”
“He has no plans.”
“I am tired of being the one who does everything.”
“My friends’ partners are doing this and that, but mine cannot even organise a proper date.”
My sister, with all due respect, when did the defendant enter your life, and what evidence did you have before admitting him into the relationship? If he told you from the beginning that he had no intention of working towards the lifestyle you wanted, why are you now surprised that the relationship is not delivering it? If financial generosity mattered to you, but you chose someone who resented every expense, why are you shocked that buying you dinner feels like a parliamentary debate? You cannot knowingly enter a relationship with a man who does not meet your expectations, hoping that love will turn him into someone else, then act surprised when the transformation does not happen. Sometimes we are not confused about what we want. We are simply attracted to someone who does not meet the requirements, and then we hope chemistry will negotiate an exception.
Unfortunately, chemistry is not a legally binding undertaking to improve someone’s financial circumstances.
Let us bring this closer to home.
In Zimbabwe, where the cost of living can make even a simple shopping trip feel like a financial planning meeting, money is not a trivial issue. Rent must be paid. Fuel must be bought. Groceries do not purchase themselves. School fees, medical expenses and family responsibilities do not disappear because someone has fallen in love. It is therefore perfectly reasonable for a woman to consider a man’s financial habits, stability and ambitions when deciding whether he is a suitable partner.
But our dating culture has also developed some interesting expectations.
A woman may be earning a modest salary, paying her own bills and carefully planning her month, yet expect a man to finance a lifestyle that neither of them can comfortably afford.A man may be struggling financially but still feel pressured to hire a car, choose an expensive restaurant or spend money he does not have because he fears that suggesting something simpler will make him appear unsuccessful.And somewhere in between, two people who may genuinely like each other are busy trying to impress one another into financial difficulty.We have people borrowing money to maintain appearances, people spending their last few dollars on a date, and people who cannot afford their own monthly expenses but are determined to prove that they can provide someone else with the soft life.
The date goes beautifully. The pictures are taken. The food is posted. The caption says, “I deserve this and more.”
Meanwhile, the bank account is requesting an adjournment.
Of course, there is nothing wrong with a man spending money on a woman he likes. There is nothing wrong with enjoying a lovely dinner, receiving flowers or being treated to something special. Generosity is attractive, and thoughtful gestures matter.But there is a difference between a man who enjoys treating you and one who is financially destroying himself to keep you impressed.There is also a difference between a woman who appreciates a man’s effort and one who treats every date as an assessment of his earning capacity.If you require a certain lifestyle, be honest about it. Just make sure you are not demanding a performance that neither of you can sustain.
Let us be clear: a man does not have to be rich to be worthy of love. Financial difficulty is not a character defect, and a woman who earns more than her partner can have a perfectly healthy, fulfilling relationship with him.There are women who have supported men through difficult seasons and built beautiful lives together. There are also men who have done the same for women. Relationships are partnerships, and sometimes one person carries more while the other finds their feet.
But there must be something worth building on: mutual respect, effort, responsibility, honesty and a shared vision.What a woman should not do is confuse being supportive with becoming someone’s permanent financial rescue plan.
If every date requires you to pay, every emergency becomes your responsibility, every ambition depends on your resources, and every conversation about his contribution ends with you being accused of being unsupportive, perhaps you are not in a partnership.
Perhaps you have accidentally become a financial institution with romantic obligations. And unlike a bank, you may be providing credit without security, interest or a reliable repayment date. Worse still, you may be afraid to ask for accountability because you do not want to hurt his feelings.
But who is protecting yours?
A relationship should not require you to abandon your financial goals, lower your expectations without reflection, or carry another adult indefinitely to prove that you are a good woman. You can be compassionate without becoming responsible for someone else’s entire life.
Being a supportive girlfriend does not mean you must become someone’s mother, accountant, emergency fund and motivational speaker all at once.
You are a partner, not a rehabilitation programme.
BUT WHAT EXACTLY DOES “BELOW MY STANDARD” MEAN?
This is where the conversation needs maturity.
It does not mean that every man who does not own a car is beneath you. It does not mean that a man’s current salary determines his worth. It does not mean you should reject someone because they cannot afford a luxury restaurant or an extravagant gift.
Standards are not simply a shopping list of possessions.
A man may have limited financial resources but be disciplined, hardworking, emotionally intelligent and serious about his future. Another may drive an expensive car and have absolutely no idea how to maintain a healthy relationship.
A man who is temporarily struggling but making genuine progress is not necessarily in the same position as one who refuses to take responsibility for his circumstances.
The question is whether the person before you is compatible with the life you want.
If you want a financially comfortable lifestyle, it is reasonable to seek a partner whose circumstances, values and ambitions are compatible with that goal. If you want someone generous, look for generosity rather than merely the ability to spend. If you want a man who can provide, discuss what provision means to both of you instead of assuming that you share the same definition.
And if you know that you are unwilling to build from the ground up with someone, be honest about it.
There is no need to enter a relationship hoping to change a man and then resent him for remaining who he was.
A standard you repeatedly abandon is not much of a standard. It is merely a preference you negotiate away when someone makes your heart race.
You are allowed to want a man who matches your ambition, complements your lifestyle and contributes to the kind of future you are working towards. You do not have to pretend that financial compatibility is irrelevant just to appear humble or prove that you are not materialistic.
But remember that your standards should reflect the life you genuinely want, not simply the life you have seen someone else displaying online.
THE FINAL VERDICT
My position is simple: do not date beneath your standards simply because you are lonely, attracted to someone, approaching a certain age, or afraid that better options may not come along.
Know what you want. Know what you bring. Know what you are prepared to compromise on, and know what you are not.
If financial stability is important to you, own that preference. If ambition matters, look for evidence of ambition. If you want a partner who can match your lifestyle, do not apologise for wanting compatibility. But apply your standards fairly, without humiliating people whose circumstances differ from yours.
And please, do not confuse a man’s temporary struggle with a lack of potential, or his expensive possessions with proof of character.
The aim is not necessarily to find a man who has everything today. It is to find someone whose values, conduct and direction make sense for the future you want. But if you know that you do not want to build from the ground up, do not volunteer for that assignment and later complain about the workload.
There is a difference between growing with someone and dragging someone who has no intention of walking.
There is also a difference between being a supportive partner and sacrificing your own future because you are determined to prove that you can love someone through anything.
You can love a man and still recognise that he is not the right man for you.
You can respect someone’s journey without making it your responsibility to finance it.
And you can be a good woman without turning yourself into a rehabilitation programme for every man who has not figured out his life.
So, ladies, before you fall too deeply, request further particulars. Examine the evidence. Ask the uncomfortable questions. Look beyond the car, the salary and the restaurant bill, but do not ignore the realities that matter to you.
Because love may be blind, but you do not have to be.
And if, after all your due diligence, you discover that the man does not meet your standards, you are allowed to decline the application.
The final verdict? Do not date beneath your standards and then prosecute the man for failing to become the person you hoped he would be. Choose someone whose reality, not merely whose potential, is compatible with the life you want.
You do not have to date a rich man. You do not have to date a poor man. You have to decide what kind of partnership is right for you and stop negotiating against your own interests because someone happens to be attractive.
Court adjourned. Further particulars may be requested.